Argus Hamilton
Posted: Monday, November 1, 2010 8:01 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rush Limbaugh thundered Thursday the Democrats will try to shame Republicans into compromising in January. He doesn’t shout for emphasis. Rush Limbaugh lost his hearing a few years ago in New York when he rented a hotel room next door to Charlie Sheen’s.
Charlie Sheen flew home to Los Angeles Wednesday a day after New York cops found him coked up and naked in a hotel room. His publicist said he had an allergic reaction. Every time Charlie Sheen snorts cocaine, he breaks out in spots like Presbyterian Hospital.
Australia passed a law Thursday allowing topless women barbers to cut hair. Baby Boomer guys shuddered. If topless women could cut our hair when we were teenagers back in the Sixties, the Beatles would have never happened and we’d still be in Vietnam.
San Francisco Giants fans smoked pot openly in the stands during the World Series game at AT&T Park Wednesday. It was crazy. San Franciscans now have the distinction of witnessing the home run record and the hot dog eating record broken in the same stadium.
Jerry Brown took a commanding lead in the California governor’s race Wednesday according to the polls. No one’s begrudging the two hundred million dollars it’s costing to elect him. Californians have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny.
Delaware Tea Party Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said she shouldn’t have made a TV ad denying she’s a witch. At the last debate the crowd laughed at her when she flubbed a question on the Constitution. Everybody who laughed turned instantly into a frog.
President Obama sank to a new low of thirty-seven percent approval in Monday’s Harris Poll. The numbers look bad. In the South and Midwest he’s twenty-five points behind Hillary Clinton and forty points behind the Barack Obama Halloween mask.
President Obama’s all-time low approval ratings Monday caused talk of a one-term presidency. Why don’t we just give him two more years and see how he does. If he’s an abject failure we’ll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term.
George W. Bush’s memoir, Decision Points, was leaked in sections to the press Friday in Washington. The man never wavered. He established the presidential tradition of taking a month off every August to relax and avoid reading National Security warnings.
The Washington Post scolded President Obama Thursday for allowing comic Jon Stewart to address him as Dude on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. It wasn’t right for him to say that. Everybody knows that addressing a sitting president as Dude is Pauly Shore’s act.
President Obama revealed plans Thursday to stay at the Taj Mahal Palace hotel in India next week. He rented all five hundred rooms and forty-four suites, paid for by the U.S. taxpayers. It’s the clearest sign yet that Barack Obama isn’t running for re-election.
President Obama will participate in Indonesia’s Hero’s Day next week. It marks the uprising in 1945 against British troops under Allied command who’d just evicted the Japanese. The natives utilized cars, paved roads, electricity, phones, radios, telegraphs, running water and airports to throw off the intolerable conditions of British colonialism.
The Vatican urged Iraq not to hang Saddam Hussein’s foreign minister Tariq Aziz for war crimes Friday. It’s too bad he’s in Baghdad. The U.S. Supreme Court would never allow war criminals to be hanged because the rope might cause excessive chafing in the neck area.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.1.10