Posted: Wednesday, November 17, 2010 8:01 pm

If you have ever thrown away a bowl of Holiday M&M’s in late January because they had gotten old and rotten, this column is not for you. If you have ever said, “No thanks on the cheesecake, I had a cookie at lunch,” this column is not for you. If you think eggnog is too rich and pecan pie is too sweet, put the newspaper down and go find something else to do.
NOW, for the rest of you, take my hand and let’s make a plan for how we’re to handle this time of incessant temptation. Statistics show that most of us will gain five to seven pounds during November and December. There are several viable options to combat this statistic. Let’s look at the options carefully and make a game plan.
Option No. 1: Lose weight in October. I once had a Type A friend who lost five to seven pounds every October in preparation for the November/December eating. Yeah. I hate her, too. Truth is, if you’re organized and disciplined enough to lose weight in October in preparation for the holiday eating, you’re PROBABLY not a person who stays up late polishing off the boiled custard. Come on. Besides, it’s mid-November now and it’s a little late for that advice.
Option No. 2: Avoid all parties. Stay out of the kitchen. Don’t bake a thing. Serve only green salad and carrot sticks at your Christmas open house. Slice up red peppers and celery and serve fat-free Ranch dressing instead of sweets at your Thanksgiving celebration. OK. I’m not trying to be negative. But this seems like a flawed plan, too. People don’t want celery on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. I promise. I’ve never read a Christmas story that even mentioned the word celery. There are no ceramic celery Christmas ornaments. People don’t like celery. No child has ever said, “Mommy, Mommy, please slice up celery like you do every year.” No. This will simply not work. If you decide to do this, you will lose friends and your relatives will disown you. If you insist on not baking, at least buy Little Debbie Christmas trees or a box of cheap chocolate-covered cherries. This is America.
Option No. 3: Carry low-carb, sugar-free candy bars with you everywhere you go. It shouldn’t be hard to carry a whole stash because each of them only weighs as much as a thimble. Hello. If a candy bar is smaller than my fingernail, OF COURSE it’s low-carb. How could a carbohydrate fit itself into such a small space? The only problem with this option is that it’s expensive. Each tiny little bar of low-carb chocolate is about $1.29. It takes about 10 of these bars to make you feel like you’ve had a treat. Trust me. Ask no questions.  
Some of you are starting to get a little teary and hopeless. Perhaps the boiled custard and pecan pie are wearing off and your sugar level is dropping. Fear not! Walk around the block. Write a letter of thanks to a dear friend or family member. Invite someone to your home who has no place to go. Remember why we celebrate this glorious time of year. And if that doesn’t get you into the spirit, grab a celery stick and start a new tradition. Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers! You have become like family and I cherish you.
———
For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her website lisasmartt.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.17.10