Argus Hamilton 7.13.12
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2012 7:01 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. Olympic Village where athletes stay during the London games drew fire from the health police. It has a McDonald’s, beer gardens and a store with free snacks, sodas and condoms. China accused the CIA of planning to lure the entire Chinese team into defecting.
Ralph Lauren rolled out the U.S. Olympic team uniforms for the opening ceremony in London. The team will wear blue blazers over a polo sweater rimmed with red, white and blue stripes, and cream pleated slacks, and Cole-Haan white bucks. Everyone’s really proud. It’s the first chance a lot of these kids have had to wear the uniform of the Republican Party.
New York’s Episcopal Diocese did not fire new priest Ginger Strickland for having an affair with a church member before her ordination. She’s from a huge oil family in Texas. They cannot fire her, in addition to being a vicar of Christ she’s from a donor family.
The Weather Channel reported hot winds swept across Southern California Tuesday from the desert. Dry heat is the worst. It was so hot in San Diego the Department of Justice decided to smuggle toy machine guns that squirt water to the Mexican drug cartels.
The Rolling Stones celebrated the 50th anniversary of the first time the band took the stage on Oxford Street in London. They’ve changed with the times. After the show the Stones still offer drugs to backstage visitors, only now they require a $50 co-pay.
Starbucks allowed a Starbucks coffee shop to be opened in the family-owned Easley Funeral Home in South Carolina Wednesday. The proprietors use it as part of the last rites. If their vanilla latte with a double shot of espresso doesn’t bring him around, they bury him.
Mitt Romney gave a speech to the NAACP conference held in Houston Wednesday. He drew frequent boos from the crowd. It didn’t exactly endear him when he told them that his father once owned American Motors and that Richard Pryor once owned a Rambler.
Mitt Romney was accused of stashing his $250 million fortune in overseas banks before the recession hit. It could hurt him. Just the fact that he runs a surplus and has money in the bank proves that Mitt lacks the experience to run the county.
NASA’s Curiosity Rover lands on Mars in August and will motor around on a nuclear powered battery that can run for 14 years without gasoline. It should be sold in the American market. The money that you save on gasoline more than makes up for the radiation poisoning.
Boston local TV stations showed live footage Sunday of a man kayaking off Cape Cod when he noticed a Great White shark approached him five feet away. It was a great educational moment for kids in science classes. They had no idea that adrenaline is brown.
The health care reform law was ruled constitutional by the Supreme Court but only as a tax. Now 4,000 new IRS agents must be hired to collect the new tax. There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.
President Obama told a Hispanic TV audience in Miami Wednesday that Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez is no serious threat to the U.S. He’s taking California for granted. Hugo Chavez sits on a huge pool of oil and his Venezuelan rebels have infiltrated rural Colombia and Peru, and a country that controls both oil and cocaine poses a mortal threat to Los Angeles.
Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was reported Thursday to be in an alcohol and drug rehab in Arizona. From personal experience, these places can create miracles. Rehabs take alcoholics and addicts and in 28 days turn them into sex maniacs and overeaters.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.13.12