Posted: Monday, February 11, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Beyonce was slammed by PETA for wearing a snakeskin costume at her Super Bowl halftime performance Sunday. She was just trying to be inclusive. Every politician and lawyer and agent couldn’t be at the Super Bowl but at least they had some skin in the game.
Hasbro asked Monopoly fans to elect a new token to make the game up-to-date. They replaced the iron with the cat. Nobody wanted to admit that a submarine and deep-sea diving equipment should be marching around the board on any up-to-date real estate game.
LAPD ex-cop Chris Dorner began a cop-killing spree after he issued a manifesto denouncing his review board. In it he also praised Tim Tebow, Charlie Sheen and Larry David. Now all the celebrities he didn’t mention are out helping the police try to kill him.
CBS warned Grammy Awards stars not to dress provocatively for Sunday’s telecast in Hollywood. The network can’t send the women home to change into plaid skirts and knee socks. Dressing them up like Catholic school girls will only make the problem worse.
The U.S. Travel Association released a survey Friday saying that married couples who travel together have longer lasting marriages. It says they have better sex on the road than they do at home. They pretend they don’t know each other and they meet in the hotel bar.
Washington D.C. was rated America’s most literate city in a study based on number of bookstores and newspaper sales. It was followed by Seattle and Minneapolis. Los Angeles wasn’t eligible because they refused to consider the amount of texts read while driving.
John Brennan’s pro-drone-strike testimony Thursday was backed by seventy percent of Americans who approve the strikes on American traitors. It’s wild. Dick Nixon would still be president if he had ordered the burglars to cancel the break-in and kill Jane Fonda.
An Oregon U.S. congressman proposed a fifty-dollar-an-ounce federal tax on marijuana sales to raise needed revenue. We’re now relying on drug sales to fund the government. History will record that Afghanistan is an imperialist power that conquered the United States.
Leon Panetta said Wednesday the U.S. is targeted by hundreds of cyber attacks every day. It’s so true. Last week the Federal Reserve was hacked, and if the hackers hadn’t been stopped they’d have made off with debts that would follow them the rest of their lives.
President Obama named Sally Jewell as Interior Secretary Wednesday. She is a CEO, a former Mobil oil engineer, a banker, and born in Britain. Nobody wants to say she sounds like a Republican, but she was on the cover of Mitt Romney’s binder full of women.
Chuck Hagel’s nomination for Defense Secretary was postponed when past business deals came up. He’s known to have lobbied aggressively for Kazakhstan and Chevron. Three times in the last five years he was named Viking of the Month by Oil and Gas Journal.
President Obama was granted the power in a Justice Department memo Tuesday to assassinate Americans anywhere in the world with drone strikes. The memo says a president can kill Americans by drone strikes if they’re leading enemy forces. Rush Limbaugh has begun broadcasting from the bunker under the Greenbriar Country Club.
President Obama will give his State of the Union speech in the Capitol Tuesday to the House, the Senate and the Supreme Court. Tradition rules. In case a catastrophe occurs, Beyonce will be kept outside the building in order to ensure a continuity of celebrity news.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.11.13